Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
