I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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