did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
