I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
