that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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