And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I lost the right to judge tonight
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
