the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
