The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
