I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
