...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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