I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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