Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize