woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
