Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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