and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
