I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
