Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
