have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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