Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
