"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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