The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
