I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
