When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
