saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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