i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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