Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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