i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
