I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
