using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
