I'm laying in your front yard are you home
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
