you guys were way drunker than both of me
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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