i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
