you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
