Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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