Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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