he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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