I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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