At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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