If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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