Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
