I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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