i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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