I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
