Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
