There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
you never un-have a 4some
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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