when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize