Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
