you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
