Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
