Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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