I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
