Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize