I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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