life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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