I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize