So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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