My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
