My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
