Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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