Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize