dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
