you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
