Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
