Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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