Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
