Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
